The Love Cure

heritagenews@hccweb.org — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 05:00:00 GMT

No matter how beautiful we are, we struggle with heartaches. No matter how rich we are, we all have burdens in our lives. We all suffer from a myriad of temptations and bad habits. Someone might look all put together on the outside, but that doesn't mean they're not struggling with debilitating issues on the inside.

The Destructive Romance Cycle…when and how do we get into trouble?

heritagenews@hccweb.org — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 06:00:00 GMT

Love and relationships can be a tangled knot for all of us. We strive to do our best, yet often find ourselves with love relationships that are less than fulfilling, broken, or downright destructive. What are some factors that lie within us that contribute to our difficulties?

It is well known that our life experiences can shape us in ways both conscious and at a level that operates within us as assumptive thinking and belief. Perhaps you find yourself moving from one relationship to another, or practicing “Serial Monogamy” in a series of highly intense relationships or marriages that always seem to end sourly and painfully. Are you asking yourself, “How come I seem to always attract people into my life who hurt me?”

You may be caught up in what we term “The Destructive Romance Cycle.”

Ask yourself if any of these characteristics would describe you or your behavior. Do you experience or have you had some of the following characteristics in your life:

· Lack of nurturing and attention when young

· Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family

· Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration

· Mistaking intensity for intimacy

· Hidden Pain

· Seeking to avoid rejection and abandonment at all cost

· Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship

· Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment

· Depressed

· Highly manipulative and controlling of others

· Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water

· Sense of worthlessness

· Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior

· Intense need to control self, others, circumstances

· Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems

· Insatiable appetite in an area of difficulty

· Using others to alter your mood or relieve pain

· Continual questioning of values and lifestyle

· Driven, desperate, frantic personality

· Existence of secret "double life"

· Refusal to acknowledge existence of problems

· Defining out-of-control behavior as normal

· Defining "wants" as "needs"

If you answered yes to more than 4 of these, you may be subject to engaging in the Destructive Romance cycle. Look at the chart below. It describes the progression of relationships that arise when we are functioning out of the characteristics we just looked at. See if this pattern fits you in a general way, or in some specifics of your experiences. We begin at Obsession and go through the various stages in succession, ending in Promises. Then we repeat the cycle the next time with another person, or the same person. Each time we hope for a different result but end up in the same place wondering “What Happened?”

The Destructive ROMANCE Cycle

Phase 1: OBSESSION

There is a Physical or emotional “trigger.” Thoughts, plots, plans, and schemes and romantic attraction fantasies about the other person consume us. We experience loss of concentration, and our judgment is impaired.

Phase 2: THE HUNT

We are driven to find relief from the emotional turmoil. We seek out someone or something, anything!

We pass the point of no return.

Phase 3: RECRUITMENT

We are in action, generating movement to resolve the pain. We engage in enlistment, enticement, seduction, and high risk sexual or acting out behaviors.

Phase 3: GRATIFICATION

The object of hunt is attained. The other person steps into our desired role. We experience the thrill of conquest. The result is victimization of other party.

Phase 4: RETURN TO NORMAL

We briefly feel calm and peaceful. Our “Love Switch” is turned off and we think we have successfully altered our mood.

Phase 5: JUSTIFICATION

Our internal pain resurfaces. We engage in rationalizations, using depersonalizations of our victim to avoid looking at our emptiness and selfish choices.

Phase 6: BLAME

We focus on own past neglect or abuse by others. We refuse to accept responsibility for the situation, and lay problem at another’s feet, either our victim or those who hurt us.

Phase7: SHAME

We experience that our blaming seems inadequate to rectify our pain or the damage to others. We have horror at own actions.

What ask, “What sort of person must I be?” We deny and stuff feelings, which results in shame, believing “I am a mistake.”

Phase 8: DESPAIR

We move through cycles of elation followed by depression. Unable to stop, we come to a point of utter despair. We resolve to “fix” what is broken.

Phase 9: PROMISES

We say to ourselves, “Never again!” We make a list of promises to ourselves, and almost immediately experience the fear of breaking those promises. Inevitably, we return to start of cycle.

So, what is the bottom line? If you have seen yourself, or your romantic partner in these descriptions, you may be suffering from a condition that requires the healing hand of the Lord. A personal relationship with Jesus, learning to live in greater accordance with His Word, and the helping hands of other people are crucial to overcoming these patterns and beliefs. Allowing these three things into your life will open the door for the healing, fulfillment, love, joy, and peace that you are seeking.

Call us at Heritage Christian Center. Ask to speak to the Celebrate Recovery Office. We would be delighted to walk with you on your journey into healing and happiness. For more information, please contact us at 303-369-8514 ext. 1645